The A word, our private struggle

We have been quietly fighting a battle in our home.

keeping it to ourselves.

Struggling thru.

Not because we are ashamed, but we were hoping for real answers before people shared their opinions

Just Waiting to see daylight.

But it seems now daylight, any kind of real answers are still months and months away.

Our sweet Kier has some noticeable delays. We went into this questioning her speech development. Those questions lead us tomore tests and then to people throwing around the A word. Autism. and that word lead us to BIG centers with people who said no, and to another who said well yes, maybe and its been an endless circle of yes and no and specialists. Each one leaving us with more questions and no answers. All we know right now is we dont know.

As a mother I want to scream. Waiting lists. Hoop jumping. Answering the same questions over and over and over. Frustrated doesnt even begin to describe it. I keep hoping the next appointment will be with someone who has a real answer, and if not an answer. A plan. An idea. Anything to help us help her navigate this world better. I want answers. I wanted them yesterday. But this is definetly going to be a game of endurance. Thankfully I am well prepared. When i look in that sweet perfect face, I know there is no end to the fight in me.

As I fight for my child, I have to battle the reality that she is not "normal", the idea that i did something wrong, the guilt. its not been easy. There are tears that I cannot explain, and anger and more questions. What could i do differently, what should I have done differently. why why why. But I know why...I was given this life because I am strong enough to live it. Alot of faith has been placed in me. 4 daughters. as if that challenge was not enough, now this. Alright then. Game on.

Happy 4th Birthday DeeGee!

You have taken on this life pedal to the metal since conception. We are still trying to catch up. We love you Reegan Riley Riann AND the sweet lil lady you have grown into. Someday soon lil Miss you are going to rule the world.